


Phantom Pains

by kinkyheels (MorrPhyc)



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Science Fiction, Bloodplay, Cock Warming, Dark Jared Padalecki, Humiliation, Light Bondage, M/M, Non-Consensual
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-09
Updated: 2014-06-09
Packaged: 2018-02-03 23:49:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1759997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MorrPhyc/pseuds/kinkyheels
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Things aren't always what they seem. Jensen is about to have that lesson very painfully taught to him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Phantom Pains

The starfield winks at Jensen through his plascreen. He is rarely awed by the vastness of space; years of war and loss have long since taken away such simple pleasures. In this moment, however, he allows himself to appreciate the beauty before him.

The peaceful moment is interrupted the klaxon blaring through his ship and the sound of screeching metal.

Jensen snaps the controls to manual and flips the commlink open. "Chris, where the hell did the asteroids come from? There's nothing marked on the nav charts."

_"I dunno, man. Just get us the hell out of it."_

Jensen fights his way through the various sized rocks pelting towards his small fighter. He was a damned good pilot but this was testing his skills. "How bad is the damage? Where'd we get hit?"

_"We lost both of our turret guns. Better hope all we got out here are giant rocks."_

Jensen snorts, hands dancing over the controls to roll the ship out of the path of four large asteroids. The ship shoots out from around them and back into open space. With a sigh of relief he checks their current location. They're further off course than he expected. He pulls up the charts and checks for habitable star systems. 

The hatch behind him opens and Chris slides into the empty seat next to him.

"Huntin' a good spot to check for us to do a damage check?" He leans over to see where they are.

Jensen nods. "We slid into the Camar sector. A bit off course but not too bad. I really wanna get the turrets functioning since we'll have to go through Devlen space to get back to Earth. That or we add three weeks to the trip home."

Chris taps a section. "We shoulda come up on Rylant." He touches the sensors, shaking his head. "It's not out there anymore, Jen."

He and Jensen exchange an anxious look. 

"So much for adding three weeks. We need to get back to Command, Chris, they need to know Rylant's gone. If this was the Alliance, they're getting too fucking close to Confederate space." His lips compressed into a hard line. The Alliance couldn't be allowed near Earth. If Earth fell, so would go the Confederation. And there would be nothing left to withstand the horrors of the Alliance.

"I hear ya."

The proximity alert sounds and both men swear. Jensen flicks the scanner readout. "A Camarian patrol ship," he says, relaxing. The Camar weren't part of the Confederation but they had no love for the Alliance.

Chris grins nodding to the commlink. It lights up and Jensen opens the channel.

_"Confederation vessel, this is Lieutenant Padalecki, of the Camar border patrol. Power down all weapons and prepare to be towed to our outpost for inspection."_

Jensen's eyes widen and Chris swears under his breath, adding, "Dude, only you can have luck this bad."

"Fuck off," Jensen snaps, tapping the commlink. "This is Colonel Ackles, of the Confederation Central Command. Thank you for your assistance. We ran into an unrecorded asteroid field and took damage. We need a place to stop and make repairs."

_"Jensen Ackles. Ship got hit, Jen? You must be slipping. We'll tow you in and then talk about what repairs can be made to your ship."_

Jensen scowls. "Thanks, always a slice of hell talkin' to you, Jared." He jabs the link closed and shuts down all required systems and in moments feels the tractor beam latch onto his ship. 

Thousands of star systems and he manages to run into _and need the help of_ the one person he'd rather be shot in the head than see again.

Chris kicks his feet up on the console. "Did you know he was out this way?"

Jensen runs a hand over his eyes. Damn but he's tired. "No. Last I heard he was running guns to fringe worlds. Never thought he'd join the establishment. Always said I was stupid for signing up and taking orders. By then he didn't believe in anything but himself. Bastard."

Chris hums. "He cut and ran on you, Jen. Ten years ago he left you on that rock to die. S'where I met you. I remember how you looked, how fucked up you were. Took a long time after I dragged you outta that hole to get over what he did."

Jensen shakes his head. "It wasn't like that, I keep telling you. I told him to leave. My leg was fucked up, I wasn't getting out of there. I didn't want us both to die." 

Jensen absently rubs his leg. He'd lost it. The damage had been irreparable and even though the manufactured replacement was stronger and appeared no different than his other natural limb, he sometimes felt pains shoot down his thigh. He knew it wasn't real but when he twisted his leg or was dealing with deep emotions, that leg throbbed and ached. Phantom pains the doctors called it. Nothing to worry about. So he didn't.

"He was your fucking bond mate, dude, he shoulda stayed," Chris throws out angrily. "Only interested in saving his own ass. Prick. Seems to always land on his feet."

Jensen doesn't respond. He's already lost in his head and drowning in memories. There was a time he thought they'd be together forever. He'd asked Jared to bond with him when their corner of the cosmos was at peace and they were barely turning twenty. Jared had said 'yes' and flung himself at Jensen.

He smiles remembering that night. Jared rode him for hours, keeping them both on edge until they each came so hard, Jensen swears they blacked out for a minute. He used to consider that the best night of his life. Now, the memory of it makes him angry. His sweet, innocent Jared had changed so much after the war broke out.

Jensen had felt the call to serve and protect his planet. Jared had mocked him, calling him naïve. Jensen hadn't argued. Then Jared's parents had been killed in a raid by factions loyal to the Alliance and Jared had blamed himself because at the time he'd been part of the team negotiating peace. 

Jensen struggled to keep Jared close to him, to draw him back from the path he was taking. But Jared moved further away each time Jensen reached for him.

It had been a slippery slope for Jared after that. He'd joined a radical group that wanted a newer, more violent response to the Alliance. They started to raid nearby star systems to provoke attacks, in hopes of forcing the government to retaliate on its own citizens. 

That's when things went terribly wrong. Jensen's squad had received a distress call from one of the small moons orbiting Jupiter and arrived to find the city in flames. They searched frantically for survivors without success. The area was becoming more and more unstable and after several hours Jensen was forced to call it. He was setting the final beacons for the demo squads when he saw him. Saw Jared and the weapon his bond mate was aiming at him. 

Jensen and Jared were alone; his squad already back at the rendezvous point. His commlink was beeping constantly, demanding a response that he couldn't give. Even knowing that in two minutes he'd be left here, he couldn't bring himself to answer. He was frozen by the anger radiating from his mate and the flicker of fear in the back of his mind that Jared would pull the trigger.

He'll never have that answer. The remnants of the building behind him collapsed, cracking the ground and dragging Jensen into the fiery hole. To this day he swears he heard Jared scream his name as he crashed down with the fiery debris. All he remembers is screaming at Jared to leave and get to safety, to get out of there before reinforcements came. Even then all he wanted was Jared safe.

Still, it had done something to him, the knowledge that Jared had left him there to die. Saved his own skin and left him to die. His mate, his love, his life. 

He'd woken up in a medbay back on Earth, Chris Kane at his side. He was one of the locals winding through the flames and debris looking for a way out. He'd jumped in that hole and called Jensen's squad. They'd come back for him.

Jensen had his bonding severed the day after he got out of medical. He'd had four skirmishes with Jared after that, each worse than the previous. The last time he'd laid eyes on Jared had been five years ago.

The small fighter ship lurches when the outpost's docking clamps connect, sealing the ship tight to the docking ring.

Jensen stands, fastening the top buttons of his dark blue and gold uniform jacket. Damned if he was gonna go in there looking less that in charge. Chris tapped some muck off his boot but that was the extent of his care to looking professional.

At Jensen's exasperated look he just shrugs and pulls open the hatch, letting Jensen walk through, then follows him to the back of the ship.

Jensen keys in his code on the panel and the solid door slides open to reveal an armed welcoming committee in full battle gear. He and Chris give each other an uneasy look, but the current situation leaves them little choice.

After being directed to leave their weapons, which they do with the greatest of hesitation, the four guards escort them through the small station and Jensen's unease grows at the complete lack of personnel they see. Their boots echoing loudly on the metal plating beneath them is the only sound. The rest of the outpost is eerily silent.

The guards stop in front of a door and one puts a hand on the back of Jensen's shoulder shoving him towards it. He stumbles, face-slams into the bulkhead and turns ready to throw a punch. His fist hangs in mid-air when he sees the gun pressed hard into Chris' temple. He bites back his anger as one of the guards touches the lighted panel and the door slides open. 

Jensen is shoved backwards and barely manages to keep on his feet as he watches the door slide closed again. He lunges for it. 

"Chris!" His fear for his friend is ruling out any concern for his own wellbeing.

"You should worry more about you right now, Jen."

He stills at the silky tone of that familiar voice. "That's Colonel Ackles to you." He turns around and briefly, he's back on the moon waiting for Jared to kill him. 

Jensen shoves the memory away and surveys his surroundings. The room is large but dark. The walls are adorned with cuffs, whips and various other items he doesn't want to think about and a large bed was clamped to the floor in the corner. Dread fills him as he turns his attention to Jared. 

Jared is lounging on a high backed leather chair, naked and hard and Jensen wonders if he's walked into a nightmare because this cannot be real. 

As repulsed as he is by the situation, he remembers his former mate's body and how much he loved touching it and he can't help but wonder if the Jared he knew only exists in his memory.

"Oh, I don't think so." He idly strokes his hard cock. "Been a long time, my dearest mate. Never thought I'd see you again."

Jensen's eyes are drawn to Jared's large hand moving slowly up and down. Sweat beads on Jensen's forehead. "Let me go, Jared."

Jared flicks the head of his cock and inhales sharply. "That's the thanks I get for rescuing you? I think I deserve something," he stops and licks his lips, "more. Don't you?"

Jensen's heart thuds against the wall of his chest and he unconsciously takes a step back. "Didn't need rescuing. And those days," he nods at Jared's groin, "are over."

Jared spreads his legs, sliding his fingers below his balls, rubbing the sensitive skin there. "Fuck, I remember how good your tongue feels here, Jen."

Jensen shakes his head violently. "Jared. Let. Me. Go." His voice chokes on the last word. He can't believe this. This isn't happening to him, it isn't. His hands hang tightly fisted against his thighs. "This isn't you." And it isn't, it can't be or Jensen will have no hope left. "You aren't cruel. Self-centered but not cruel."

Jared smirks and ignores him. "Gonna come down your throat, Jen. Or I can watch when my men blow your partner's brains out. Either way, I'll get off."

Jensen's head snaps back, eyes wide with shock. "Jared," he breathes out the name. 

"Make up your mind, Jen." Jared's unoccupied hand reaches for the control panel next to him.

"No," Jensen says. He quickly unbuttons his jacket and pulls his shirt over his head.

"So eager, Jen?" Jared laughs, delighted.

Jensen sneers as he walks confidently across the room. "No. I won't sully my uniform by letting you touch it."

Jared's eyes darken with rage. "Get on your fucking knees and let your mouth do what it does best."

Too worried about Chris' wellbeing to bandy words, Jensen sinks to his knees in front of Jared. The smell of the other man's arousal fills his senses and he has to swallow back the bile. He used to love doing this for Jared, now he's just sickened.

He puts his hands on Jared's thighs and swallows him half-way down. If he has to do this, he's doing it on his terms, not Jared's.

"Ah, fuck, Jen, so good baby, always so good."

Jensen bobs his head taking more each time until his nose is buried in Jared's dark curly hair. He swallows around him and pulls back, getting a groan out of Jared. He tongues the edge of the crown and laps at the precome leaking from the slit. The taste is familiar and sharp tears sting his eyes as he takes Jared's cock deep down his throat again. He wants this over. 

Jared rocks his hips and his hands find their way to Jensen's cropped hair. It's too short for him to grab onto so he wraps his hands around Jensen's skull and pushes down while lifting his hips up.

Jensen flexes his throat and wraps his tongue around the flesh in his mouth and Jared cries out and spills down Jensen's throat. Jensen doesn't hesitate to swallow. Jared's hands go lax on Jensen's head and he leans back, turning to the side to take several heaving breaths.

He's shaking, sitting at Jared's feet like a docile pet, too shocked to move. His limbs are uncoordinated but he manages to wrap his arms around his bare torso.

And he waits.

It doesn't take long.

"Do you fuck him?"

Jensen's head shoots up. Jared's staring at him curiously.

"Who? Chris?"

Jared tilts his head. "The guy you were with?"

"No," Jensen says. "Is he really still alive?" 

Jared slides out of the chair and Jensen fights the urge to move back. Jared moves by him, perfect ass on display. 

"Yes, he is. I have no reason to lie to you about it." He runs his hands along a row of cuffs and Jensen squares his shoulders.

"Why are you doing this? You couldn't know it was me out there. This can't be about me. This room… isn't new."

Jared selects a pair of electronic cuffs and stalks back to Jensen. 

"Tell me, Jared," Jensen demands, unconsciously rubbing his wrists. 

Jared stops in front of him and crooks his finger, Jensen stiffens but doesn't move. Jared walks in close, wrapping one hand around the back of Jensen's head, forcing him forward until Jensen feels the soft flesh of Jared's cock pressing against his cheek.

"In your mouth. All of it. Balls, too. Suck on them. Keep them warm for me."

Jensen closes his eyes and forces his mouth open. Jared's a grower and Jensen's never been more thankful for that then now, holding the soft flesh on his tongue. Jared's balls are heavy and Jensen turns his head carefully to get both in his mouth. 

Jared strokes his hair softly. "No, I didn't know it was you. You aren't the first person in my playroom. Never thought I'd see you again." He rocked his hips slowly. "When I heard your voice, damn Jen, I couldn't wait to get you in here."

Jensen shifted on his knees, his jaw aching as he suckles and licks at the balls resting in his mouth.

A chime echoes through the room. "Enter," Jared says. "Don't move," he adds, his hand gripping Jensen's neck, holding his head tight to his groin.

Jensen hears two sets of boots behind him and humiliation flushes his skin.

"Lieutenant, a Camarian vessel is requesting docking privileges. We used the proper protocols for quarantine status and the ship has departed. It was a private vessel. Do you want us to track and destroy it?"

Jensen jerks, horrified by what he's hearing but Jared's hand tightens on the back of his neck. "Be still. This doesn't concern you." Jared tosses the cuffs to one of the men. "Cuff him to the bed and strip him for me, then send out a patrol to destroy the vessel. We can't afford anything to interfere with our plans."

"Yes, Sir." 

Jensen's hands are roughly pulled behind his back and Jared's cock slides out of his mouth as Jensen is dragged to the bed. He's thrown down on his stomach and his hands are cuffed to two metal bracket attached to either end of the headboard. Just high and wide enough for the stretch to burn along his shoulders. His range of motion is severely limited for all that his legs are unbound. 

He kicks out blindly as hands reach around his waist, undoing his pants and yanking them down and off. His underwear follows and one of the men slaps his ass, laughing as he walks away.

Jensen can't see or hear Jared but he knows the other man is watching him. He isn't one to hide from his fears, prefers to face things head on, keep the situation in control. That option has been taken from him by a man he loved, still loves. He can't think of this person as Jared, even his smile is different. He's shaken to his core at the utter cruelty coming from the man who once would have cut off his own hands rather than hurt another living being. Even after Jared had held a gun on him all those years ago, Jensen had thought him angry, lost in his grief. Time had proven him wrong but he never would have thought Jared was capable of this.

The bed dips and Jensen draws a sharp breath. His skin is prickling in the cool air and he jerks at the touch of a once familiar hand ghosting along his spine. Warm lips follow the path. Tongue and fingers sliding between his ass cheeks. He flinches as Jared's long fingers trace the tight opening and a tongue dips inside.

"Used to love it when you'd do this to me, Jen."

Jensen clenches his fists as a dry finger forces him open. "I didn't do it dry, asshole."

Jared laughs. "Pain gets me off." 

He forces his finger in deeper and Jensen bites off a strangled cry. "I'll give you pain, bastard," he gasps. 

Jared's finger plunges deeper and Jared nips his ass cheek. " _Your_ pain. All the ones that've been in here. None come close to you. Your pain is perfection, Jen."

Jensen's breathes are shallow, his limbs tense. He's trying to relax, wanting this to be as painless as possible but he can't overcome his instincts. When the finger pulls slowly out of him and Jared's weight presses him into the mattress, he shakes, his mind and body denying what's about to happen.

He feels Jared's wet dick slide along his ass. He wants to beg, to plead with Jared to not let this happen, to not do this. Instead he bites his lip bloody as Jared forces his dick inside. A low _painful_ moan is echoing in his head and scratching his throat. It takes him long moments to realize he's crying, his breath catching with each deeper thrust cutting into him.

"Never been fucked, have you, Jen?" Jared's body is flush against his back, his arms wrapped under and around Jensen. He bites Jensen's neck, his hips rocking hard, balls slapping against Jensen's ass.

Jensen can't answer. His body lurches with each thrust, pain sparks and flays him open with each slap of skin on skin. Sweat runs down his forehead, mingling with the tears he can't hold back. He roughly wipes his face on the sheets beneath him not wanting Jared to see, not wanting to give him the satisfaction of witnessing the extent of his pain.

Jared's breath is hot against the back of his neck. "Jen, so tight."

His cock rubs along Jensen's prostate. Jensen gasps and his cock partially stiffens in response but thankfully the pain is still too overwhelming, but he knows it's only a matter of time and he dreads that final humiliation.

In the end, it doesn't happen. Jared is biting his neck and his hips are pumping hard and fast. "Gonna come, Jen, gonna _fuck_ ," Jared cries, pressing against Jensen as he comes. 

Jared is boneless on top of him, soft inside of him and completely wrapped around him. Jared circles his hips and Jensen gasps. He feels Jared smile against his neck. 

"Can't wait to do that again. Have some things that'll make it even better. For me." He pulls out and rolls off of Jensen and Jensen wants to cry in relief. That is until Jared's hand starts caressing his ass, his fingers slipping easily inside.

"No blood. Disappointing."

Jensen shudders. Jared sounds so cold, detached and Jensen has no doubt that he will make him bleed and enjoy it. For the first time, since this nightmare began, Jensen thinks he might die here.

A commlink chirps and Jared huffs in irritation. He bites Jensen's ass, teeth closing tight on the tender flesh, his fingers still scissoring inside Jensen. He moans and bites down harder.

Jensen tenses pain flooding his body again. Jared's teeth pierce the flesh, his tongue lapping at the trickle of blood.

The commlink sounds again.

Jared kisses the bloody bite and yanks his fingers out of Jensen and Jensen flexes as best he can in his cuffs, trying to stretch his aching muscles. But he's completely exhausted. He fights to stay conscious. _Chris will come_ is a mantra in his throbbing head. It's his only way out, his mental escape.

"What is it?" Jared snaps.

_"My lord, General Staills is waiting on your report."_

Jensen's mind latches onto the name of one of the leaders of the Alliance. _Jared is working with the Alliance._ His emotions lurch. This betrayal worse than anything Jared's done so far. And the one Jensen is having the most difficult time comprehending.

"Put him through." Jared sinks back on the bed, lying down on top of Jensen. 

Jensen closes his eyes tight swallowing his shock. Jared's hard again. It doesn't seem possible but Jensen feels Jared's cock dipping between Jensen's thighs and pushing against the back of his balls.

_"Lieutenant, report."_

Jared leans up and smacks Jensen's ass. "Outpost is secure, sir."

_"Good. Any difficulties?"_

Jared lines himself up and pushes into Jensen with one long deep thrust.

Jensen cries out, mind blanking with pain.

"Just one lonely Confederation scout ship." He fucks Jensen hard. His hands braced on either side of Jensen's body, arms locked, giving him the leverage to thrust harder and deeper. He moans. "But I'm taking care _shit_ of that now."

Jensen struggles to hear the conversation, he knows this is important but his ears are ringing and his injured leg is cramping, the pain of it cancelling out everything. He latches onto that feeling; the phantom hurt of an absent limb and lets it wash over him. He survived that. He did And he can survive this. He has to.

_"You humans are disgusting. No other race has such a detrimental reaction to the mind chips. You're minds and bodies are weak. But you serve your purposes for now."_

Jared laughs, never once breaking his brutal pace. "Is that all, General. I'm in the middle of the sweetest fuck of my life and you're kinda bothering me." 

He shakes his head, sending sweat flicking along Jensen's arms and shoulders. Jensen barely feels it. 

_Mind chip_? His mind is racing at the implications.

_"We really need to refine the mind chips for your race. The side effects are quite distracting. But for now; maintain control of the station at all costs. Its position on the outer rim is ideal for us to launch our attack on the Confederation. Prepare to receive the fleet with four weeks. I expect you to have your little toy gone by then."_

Jared pumps hard one last time and groans, spilling inside Jensen again. He rolls off and onto his feet. "Yes, Sir," he says with a snort, closing the commlink.

Come, and possibly blood, is dripping down Jensen's thighs. He's sticky, sweaty and the room is silent. His bleary eyes blink slowly. He tries to swallow but his tongue is thick and his throat is parched. He glances over and sees Jared stepping into his pants quickly, whatever he's seeing on the terminal forcing him to action.

He grabs his weapon and holster. "Be back soon, baby. Gotta go take care of a problem."

Jensen watches him as far as his vision allows, his need to know what's happening warring with the utterly relief of being left alone. He hears the door slide open and a loud crack follows. He twists hard in his bonds but stops as he hears something crash into the wall before falling to the floor silent. 

The door snicks shut and a low familiar voice says, "Holy shit."

"Chris," he croaks. "Chris." Relief floods through him.

Rough hands are carefully pulling his wrists from the cuffs. He hisses as his arms are lowered, muscles protesting. Chris rubs his shoulders, not letting him move.

"Wait, Jenny. Not too fast. We gotta book soon but get some circulation back." He growls and Jensen knows he's seen the damage. "I'll kill that fucker."

Jensen's hand shoots out, gripping Chris' wrist before he can move. 

"No, gotta bring him." His voice is raspy and he has to force the words out. "Not what you think." He turns on his side, biting his lip to keep from screaming at the pain. He looks towards the door and sees Jared crumpled on the floor. 

"Cuff him. He has to come with us." He fists his hand in Chris' shirt. His vision is getting black. "Chip. Control chip. Alliance. Not Jared. Not – " is all he manages as everything goes dark.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Waking up is all bright lights and molasses limbs. He's floating back to awareness, voices coalescing around him. He hears Chris and struggles to lift his arm, needing the reassurance of touch. Chris must be watching because a firm hand closes around his.

"You're okay, Jen. Been in medbay for three days." He puts a straw to Jensen's lips and he drinks gratefully.

"Where?" He asks between sips.

"Back on Earth. York Base."

Jensen's eyes widen and he struggles to sit up. "Jared. Alliance. I have to tell them," he stops when Chris pushes him back down, interrupting him.

"Got Jared here. Went under the knife same time as you. Fucking brain chip in his head, man."

Jensen rubs a hand over his eyes. "It wasn't him. It wasn't, Chris."

"I know, Jen," he says softly. "I know."

Jensen eyes are wet, so he keeps rubbing them, willing the tears away. "Can I see him?"

Chris sighs. "They're debriefing him. He knows all the Alliance plans but Jen, he's in confinement. Gotta figure out when he was captured. How much of what he's done was them and how much was him."

"None of it was him, Chris, it had to have been before everything. Before my leg. None of that was him." If he says it strongly enough it'll be true.

Chris just gives him a steady look. "Sleep, Jenny. Can worry about that tomorrow."

Jensen wants to argue, _needs_ to see Jared. If he sees his eyes he'll know the truth. But his own eyes are closing and he can't fight it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jensen stands, hands clasped behind his back, watching his fleet trace a lazy orbit around the Camarian homeworld. He's been participating in talks to create a treaty between Camar and the Confederation. Recent events had caused the Camarians to leap into the fray and take a stand against the Alliance. 

He adjusts his tunic, hand brushing absently at the new medals adorning his chest. Jensen had gone back to the outpost, leading the fleet currently orbiting above him, and lain in wait for the approaching Alliance fleet. The battle was bloody but complete and the Alliance had retreated behind its borders to lick the deep wounds caused them.

Jensen looks over his shoulder, catching Jared watching him again. That had been another blow to the Alliance. The control chips. Once Jared's was removed and the doctors found the frequency that controlled it, they were able to detect and removed hundreds of chips from unwitting and unwilling spies. It was a heavy blow for all. Those that had been controlled were having a difficult time adjusting, not having the luxury of forgetting the things they'd done while at the mercy of the chips and the horrible side effects that control caused.

Jared looks away the instant Jensen catches his eye and Jensen sighs. He doesn't blame Jared. Part of him should, he's lost so much because of the actions of this man.

Jared has avoided him completely, throwing himself headlong into the task of taking down the Alliance. He's now an advisor to the council and has asked repeatedly to be allowed into military service. Those pleas continue to go unanswered. His position, his information, is too vital to risk. He's been under control of the chip for over ten years. His knowledge is incalculably valuable and some, Jensen included, feel his mental state is too fragile for active service.

Jared is seeing a mental provider, trying to come to terms with what he's done while under the influence of the mind chip. Jensen has read the reports. Jared's anguish is real, just as real as Jensen's.

A throat clears behind him and Jensen turns. His adjunct salutes. "The council will not reconvene today, Sir. One of the ministers received an urgent comm and begged two days break in deliberations." 

Jensen nods to his adjunct, "Can't say I'm not grateful for the break. I am not made to sit and _debate_ ," he adds drily. 

His adjunct lips twitch. "Of course, Sir," he says diplomatically.

Jensen rolls his eyes. "All non-essential personnel can begin shore leave in rotations. I expect all senior staff in the conference room when I get back from meeting with the Camarian ministers."

The man nods and hurries off to the carry out his orders. 

When Jensen turns around again, Jared is gone. Jensen unfastens the top two buttons of his tunic. He knows where Jared is and they are long overdue a conversation. He stalks down the corridors, making his way to the empty garden Jared has been seeking solitude in after many of his sessions with his doctor. 

This particular garden is in flux. Most of it is nothing but fresh dirt and seed but there are tall, thick trees twisting towards the artificial skylights arching above. The walls are transparent aluminum giving an uninterrupted view of the starfield beyond. The artificial views of sky and earth meeting on a distant horizon have yet to be created and the current sight of gnarled trees surrounded by an eternal night sky are not what most consider soothing.

Still, he enters and codes the lock, barring entrance to anyone. He finds Jared slumped against a large leafy tree, his hands sunk into the dirt.

He doesn't look up as Jensen crouches down in front of him.

Jensen scrubs a hand across his cropped hair. "The thing is: I love you." Firm and clear because it's the truth and always has been. "Can you say the same?" For Jensen, that's the only question.

Jared still doesn’t look up but his hands grind deeper into the fresh ground. "It's not that simple, Jensen."

Jensen reaches out, gently brushing the dirt out of Jared's hands, one at a time, then clasping them tightly in his own. "It can be, if you let it."

Jared looks up at that. Hands clenching in Jensen's grip. His eyes are bright with unshed tears. He looks haunted. "I hurt you, Jen," he whispers.

The desolation in his voice is more than Jensen can take. He tugs on Jared's hands and holds him close, Jared's head resting on his shoulder. "Do you love me, Jay." He doesn't ask, he demands.

He feels Jared nod against his shoulder and Jensen clutches him tightly. "Then let it out." He kisses the crown of his dark head. "I'll see you through it, Jared, just come back to me at the end of it."

Jared breaks. Deep racking sobs shaking his long frame. He folds his body into Jensen's tight embrace.

Jensen anchors him against his raging emotional storm and doesn't let go.

"I love you," Jensen whispers over and over and over as he sinks to the ground, his legs twisted under him. He doesn't feel the memories chasing him this time. 

c'est tout finis

**Author's Note:**

> Beta'd by [alexisjane](http://alexisjane.livejournal.com/) \- who questions _everything_. :D  
>  **Notes:** This an extremely belated birthday present for the lovely and wonderful [meus_venator](http://meus_venator.livejournal.com). Thank you for everything from coding lessons to porn talk. :D  
>  I think I hit the 'evil kinky stuff' as requested and I hope you like your fic.


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